


eyeliner and cigarettes

by alittlebitoflight



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Use, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, happy ending?? who knows, just kidding its a lot of gay, kinda gay, kinda slow burn??, treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 15:19:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11694408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebitoflight/pseuds/alittlebitoflight
Summary: hey!! this is my first treebros fic so like,,,, bare with me pleasesorry if this isn't realistic or whatevertw: attempted rape





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! this is my first treebros fic so like,,,, bare with me please 
> 
> sorry if this isn't realistic or whatever 
> 
> tw: attempted rape

evan couldn't breathe. he couldn't move. he couldn't _t_ _hink_. he could feel his heart beating in his chest, going so fast he thought it might burst through his ribs and fall right onto the floor.  
  
he never did like parties, and this is exactly why he never came to any. (not like he was ever invited but still)  
  
the only reason he agreed to come tonight was because jared was going and he thought that if jared was there then maybe things wouldn't be so bad, right?  
  
wrong.  
  
about ten minutes after they arrived, jared went to get them drinks and never returned, leaving evan alone. in a crowded house. filled with so many strangers and evan felt his chest tightening. so he maneuvered his way to the backyard, trying his best to not make eye contact or touch anyone.  
  
he almost succeeded. almost.  
  
right when he was about to step outside, someone blocked his way.  
  
"woah slow down there, dude. no need to rush," said a voice that was clearly drunk.  
  
evan looked up to see one of the football players. he couldn't remember his name. something generic, something basic. joseph? josh? jake? jake.  
  
"o-oh hey, jake," evan choked out, barely audible considering the fact that he _couldn't breathe_. he just wanted to get outside.  
  
"i didn't know you were coming tonight."  
  
"y-yeah, uh, my friend jared. he, um, asked me to come along with him. and n-now he left me alone. i shouldn't have come, sorry, i just wanted to-," evan stopped himself. he knew he was rambling and it was probably annoying jake and then he'd get angry at how annoying evan is and punch him right then and there, knocking him out cold. and everyone would see and then-

"you know, you're cute when you stutter," jake whispered in evan's ear, which caused his face to flush and he had to swallow hard. did jake just call him cute? jake, the varsity quarter back, just called him, evan hansen, cute. this had to be a joke. a cruel, cruel joke. he tried looking around to see if anyone was watching, laughing as jake continued to flirt with him, but he couldn't really see that clearly.  
  
"i, uh, um, uh, th-thank you," evan finally spit out.  
  
evan tried to keep the conversation with jake going because he couldn't just leave him there, despite how uncomfortable he was, because then he'd feel bad and guilty for abandoning him because all he was trying to do was compliment evan.  
  
"how about we take this somewhere a little more private?" jake suggested, wrapping his arms around evan. evan instantly tensed. he didn't like people touching him. he barely let his mom hug him, let alone some random boy he had never even talked to before tonight.

"i don't-i don't think that's a good idea," evan said, trying to push jake off. but jake persisted. he grabbed evan's hand and led him up the stairs to a bedroom that evan assumed was the parents'.  
  
evan sat on the bed while jake closed the door.  
  
and locked it.  
  
_fuck._  
  
he looked at evan and gave him a crooked smile. evan could only focus on his shoes.  
  
"so, uh, w-what, um, what did you want to-"  
  
"shh," jake interrupted, kissing his neck and pushing him down.  
  
"w-wait no," evan protested. he tried to get jake off of him but then jake grabbed his hands and pinned them to the bed and _ohgodohgodthiscouldn'tbehappening_  
  
this couldn't be happening.  
  
it didn't feel real and evan couldn't focus on anything other than how his hands were hurting and how jake's breath reeked of alcohol and _oh when did jake's shirt come off?_

shit.  
  
no.

nononononononono.  
  
evan could feel jake tugging at his pants and all evan could do was shake his head.  
  
he looked towards the door. he knew it was locked but _god_  he just wished someone would burst in and save him.  
  
he was trapped.  
  
fuckfuckfuck  
  
he was trapped.  
  
_trapped._  
  
he was never taught what to do in these situations. he never thought he'd ever be in one.  
  
jake started to unbutton evan's jeans and ohgod this was happening.  
  
nononononono.  
  
"jake, i-i don't wan-"  
  
"shh. c'mon baby, just go with it," jake whispered, sucking evan's neck.  
  
would his first time be against his will?

"jake, _no,_ " evan said, and did the only thing he could think of. he kneed jake in the balls.  
  
jake instantly let go of evan's hands, pulling back in pain.  
  
"what the fuck, man!?"  
  
evan kept his eyes focused on his hands. they were shaking so badly.  
  
"p-please just, just get out of h-here," he whispered. jake looked at him, eyes full of anger.  
  
"i thought that's what you wanted. but whatever, bitch," he scoffed and slammed the door.  
  
evan did the best he could to steady his breathing.  
  
breathe in.  
  
_onetwothreefour_  
  
hold.

 _onetwothreefour_  
  
breathe out.  
  
_onetwothreefour_  
  
it didn't help.  
  
nothing was helping.  
  
his hands were still shaking and he couldn't control his breathing and his heart wouldn't stop racing.  
  
he wished he'd stayed at home in bed.  
   
maybe splashing himself with water would help. he made his way over to the bathroom and rested his hands on the sink. he took a deep breath and looked in the mirror. his face was red and blotchy, probably from all the crying, and the bags under his eyes seemed to be more prominent now.

he sighed. god he almost got _raped_.  
  
he shouldn't have followed jake upstairs, shouldn't have let him lock the door.  
  
he felt like throwing up.  
  
so that's what he did. he leaned over the toilet and threw up.  
  
when he was done, he wiped his mouth and rested against the side of the tub. he couldn't figure out a way to get out of that house quickly enough to not be spotted by jake or one of his friends. he still couldn't breathe. his heart was still racing. and his hands were still shaking, just slightly less.

he heard someone knock on the door. _fuck._  
  
he could've sworn he'd locked both of them.  
  
the person on the other side must've figured the bathroom was empty because the door swung open.  
  
_ohgod it's jake it's jake he came back to finish the job and he probably brought others and godgod jake no plea-_  
  
except it wasn't jake.  
  
it was connor murphy.  
  
and evan wondered for a brief second what connor murphy could possibly be doing at a high school party but then he remembered that he's _just as bad as jake._  
  
connor didn't mention anything about evan being there. it's almost like he didn't even notice, so when evan let out a choked breath he was surprised.  
  
"oh hey. sorry, i didn't know anyone was in here..." connor apologized and started to walk out.

"n-no! no. um, uh, st-stay, i'll just...go," evan mumbled.  
  
and he tried to stand up again. but this time his legs felt like jello.  
  
connor helped him up and got him positioned on the side of the bathtub.  
  
"hey are you okay?" connor asked. evan couldn't bring himself to look at connor. he just focused on their shoes and his breathing.  
  
"did you drink too much?" now evan looked at him, sending him a glance that said "what the hell? no"  
  
"no? sorry, i just-" then he remembered who he was talking to. evan hansen. the kid who could barely make it through roll call without breaking out into a nervous sweat. people said he had anxiety?  
  
"is this, uh, is this a panic attack?" evan nodded vigorously.  
  
"shit, okay. um, what happened?"  
  
evan shook his head. he didn't want to think about that he didn't want to imagine-  
  
"he, he, he tried to- and i didn't-i didn't- and," evan stuttered. he couldn't think straight.  
  
"hey man just, just calm down, okay?" connor said. "damn, i don't know what to do." but connor remembered reading somewhere about how something called grounding could help? and he didn't really know how it worked so he just pulled evan into his chest.  
  
"i hope this isn't weird or anything but i don't know what to do and i read this somewhere so just, like, focus on my breathing."

and evan did.  
  
he focused on the way connor's chest moved up and down and up and down.  
  
he focused on connor's heartbeat. _ba dump ba dump ba dump_  
  
he focused on the soft material of connor's shirt. it was smooth, like silk.  
  
he focused on how connor smelled. he smelled like old books and cigarettes and weed? which shouldn't really surprise evan, but it did.  
  
he focused on connor's hand on his arm, pulling him in tightly. it was cold. and bony. and he had really long fingers. his knuckles were bruised. evan wondered what caused that.  
  
and finally, evan could breathe again. he sighed. then he remembered where he was. who he was with. he shot up quickly, muttering apologies.  
  
"dude, calm down. you're okay," connor paused. " _are_  you okay?"  
  
"yeah, d-definitely," evan said. connor stood up and helped evan too in case his legs decided to fail again.

after he decided evan could stand on his own, connor started to walk away again.  
  
"th-thank you, connor."  
  
connor looked at him, nodded, then said, "nobody hears about this, alright? if you tell anyone i swear i will break your arm."  
  
evan didn't know how to respond to this so he just gestured zipping his lips, as if to say "your secret's safe with me."  
  
and connor almost smiled.  
  
maybe he wasn't so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment and let me know what you think (:


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long and sorry this isn't that good but anyways here's chapter two for you

the next day at school, evan spotted connor in the hallway. for some reason his brain decided it'd be a good idea to go up to him. so there he was, making his way to connor and trying hard to remain unseen.  
  
"uh, connor?" evan asked tentatively. connor turned around, looking confused.  
  
"yeah?"  
  
"um, i, uh, just wanted to s-say thank you again. for, um, yesterday," evan mumbled. "that was really n-nice of you."  
  
connor looked surprised for a moment, but then it disappeared, being replaced with his usual cold stare.  
  
"im sorry, do i know you?" he asked loudly. evan was taken aback.  
  
"you, um, i had, we, uh, at t-the party..." evan's voice trailed off. he focused on his shoes.  
  
connor laughed. "even if i did go to parties, i wouldn't be hanging out with someone like you," he said, pushing evan's chest. he turned around and started walking away.  
  
"b-but connor," evan started, reaching for his shoulder. he turned back and smacked evan's hand.  
  
"don't touch me you freak!" he shouted, louder than either of them expected. people were staring now.  
  
"just- just don't fucking talk to me," he spat before shoving evan _hard_. evan was stunned.  
  
he stayed on the ground for a while, catching his breath. nobody stopped to help evan up, to see if he was okay. everyone just moved along as if nothing happened. it was like he was invisible. he felt invisible.  
  
evan sighed as he stood up, brushing his arms off. the bell rang. he was going to be late to english.

* * *

evan couldn't concentrate on anything the teacher was saying. he kept replaying the incident in his head.

  
why had connor acted so strangely? so rudely? he acted like he didn't even know evan. which, well, that wasn't necessarily a lie.  
  
_did i do something wrong? i shouldn't have gone up to him in the first place. it was a stupid idea im so stupidstupidstupid-_  
  
his thoughts were interrupted by the bell. his attention focused on the teacher, saying something about an essay being due next week? he had no idea what she was talking about but there was no way he'd ask her. he decided he would just ask alana.  
  
lunch was his favorite part of the day. he usually ate in the library. ms. valentine, the librarian, liked him so she didn't really mind.  
  
when he walked in, ms. valentine gave him a smile.  
  
"hey evan! how was your weekend?" she asked cheerfully.  
  
"it was, uh, well it was good," evan said and smiled back. "what about yours?"  
  
"i had a date with this guy i went to college with. it didn't go too well," she said, rolling her eyes and sighing. evan frowned.  
  
"oh im sorry."  
  
"ah it's okay. he was a bit of a jerk anyways," she laughed. "i'll stop boring you with my embarrassing love life and let you eat in peace now."  
  
evan smiled softly and walked towards his usual corner. nobody really came to this section so he doesn't get bothered much.  
  
today was different though.  
  
about five minutes after evan sat down, jared decided it was okay for him to do the same.  
  
"yo, where'd you go yesterday? i couldn't find you," he asked, unwrapping his sandwich.  
  
"you mean at the party?" jared nodded. "oh, um, well i, uh, i left early."  
  
jared rolled his eyes.  
  
"dude that's so lame!" he exclaimed. evan told him to quiet down. "sorry. anyways i almost got some last night."  
  
evan rolled his eyes as jared winked at him.  
  
"why- why did you even have me go with you?" evan asked. jared looked at him, confused.  
  
"huh?"  
  
"well, it's just, you kinda left me a-alone? it's like you didn't even want me there" evan muttered. "you know how i get in situations like that."  
  
"oh. well if you didn't want to go you could've just told me? but sorry man," jared said.  
  
"yeah."  
  
they sat in an awkward silence for a few moments.  
  
"oh hey what happened between you and murphy?" jared asked.  
  
"what?"  
  
"connor murphy? tall, super lanky, probably planning to shoot up this school."  
  
"um, what are you-"  
  
"oh c'mon! everyone saw him push you in the hall this morning."  
  
oh. 

"oh, yeah," evan said, chuckling awkwardly.  
  
"so what happened there? why'd he go all crazy?"  
  
"oh, um, i was b-bothering him and he told me to stop and i just, i didnt." jared looked at him.  
  
"why would you even want to talk to that guy? he's such a _freak,_ " he scoffed.  
  
"well, he's not such a bad guy," evan mumbled. jared gasped dramatically.  
  
"oh my god. hansen's gone gay for the school shooter," jared laughed while shaking his head.  
  
"no!" evan said, a bit too loud for his liking. he got stares from some others in the library.  
  
"no," he said again, quieter this time. "it's just, has anyone even _tried_  to talk to him? to get to know him? all everyone does is make assumptions about him."  
  
jared rolled his eyes.  
  
"doesn't matter. when you're someone like connor murphy, nobody's gonna want to talk to you. besides, he doesn't seem to like anyone either. so it's mutual," jared said, shrugging his shoulders. he stood up.  
  
"well i better get going. later, hansen."  
  
"bye jared."  
  
as he watched jared leave, evan wondered if he was right. was connor filled with so much hate that he didn't like _anybody_?  
  
he wasn't able to think about it much more because the bell rang. evan smiled at ms. valentine as he made his way to sixth period. he couldn't wait to get home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! im probably going to be posting on the weekends now that school's starting (:


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! this is another filler chapter but don't worry!! things start happening in the next chapter!!

when evan got home, he found a note on the counter, along with a twenty dollar bill.  
  
_working late tonight. won't be home. get something to eat. love you xx mom_  
  
evan sighed. he was used to this. if his mom wasn't at the hospital, she was in class. she was studying to become a paralegal, which meant she was rarely ever home. so evan was alone most of the time.  
  
he usually didn't use the money his mom gave him. he would find something in the house, and if he couldn't then he just wouldn't eat. the mere _thought_ of interacting with a stranger made his chest tighten.  
  
it was always so difficult for evan to order food for himself. yes, he's able to make the order online but then he'd have to pay for it. which meant standing in the doorway awkwardly as the delivery person counted out change. then he'd have to make sure his hands didn't touch the other person's because then they'd realize how sweaty he is and they'd think he was so weird and they'd probably tell everyone and they-  
  
his thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing in his pocket. he pulled it out and saw a text from his mom. _who else would it be?_

mom: _hi sweetie! hope you're okay. have you eaten yet?_  
  
evan: _not yet but im planning on it!!_  
  
mom: _..okay honey. just please eat something? i love you._  
  
evan: _okay. love you too._  
  
evan knew he wouldn't be eating tonight. there was no way he was going to deal with all the anxiety that caused. instead he made his way upstairs to his room.  
  
the bed squeaked as evan sat on it. he pulled out his laptop and started typing.  
  
_"dear evan hansen,_  
  
_today is going to be a good day and here's why. because today...today all you have to do is be yourself._  
  
_and also confident. definitely confident._  
  
_and don't think about the way nobody helped you up after connor murphy pushed you down in the hall. don't think about the way they all acted as if you weren't even there. maybe they just couldn't see you. nobody ever does. not much of a change there..."_  
  
evan shut his computer in frustration. he hated writing these stupid letters. his therapist, dr. sherman, said they'd help him with his anxiety, but they weren't. he wasn't even able to say hi to zoe that one time he stayed after the jazz band concert. he was going to introduce himself and tell her how good she was, but then he got worried that his hands were sweaty (they weren't). so instead he spent ten minutes in the bathroom with his hands under the dryer. by the time he went back to the gym, zoe was gone.  
  
evan didn't understand why he couldn't just be normal.  
  
normal people could give presentations in class without having a panic attack.  
  
normal people had friends. actual friends. who don't just hang out with them so their parents would pay their car insurance.  
  
~~_normal people could talk to their mother about wanting to die._~~  
  
evan sighed. he hated feeling like this. like he didn't matter. like nobody would even notice if he disappeared.  
  
he shook his head. he didn't need to think about that right now. he just needed to focus on getting through the next day without running into connor again. _simple enough._

ha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all it's laura's birthday 
> 
> happy birthday queen ily
> 
> anyways i know what im doing now so the next chapter (hopefully) won't take as long as this one did lmao
> 
> as always kudos and comments are appreciated (:
> 
> have a good day!


	4. author's note

hi guys. im not going to be continuing this story. i know it's been like 472947294737 years since i posted anything, so i just wanted to let you know. i may come back to this in the future, but i most likely won't. it's just i don't really have time to write that much, plus i have so many other ideas i'd rather pursue. honestly i forget where i was even going with this story. but anyways, im currently working on other stuff at the moment so i should have something out sometime soon if you're interested. thank you. 


End file.
